The Pilika Saga
by JinnanTonnyx
Summary: Suikoden II as seen through the eyes of everyone's favorite six-year-old nymphomaniac. Humor? If you construe it as such.
1. The Big Bang

Skanky Little Author's Note:  This started off as my revenge upon Pilika, that bloody mute little git who nearly managed to spoil my tasty Suikoden gaming experience with her constant pathetic utterances of "...............", "waaaaaaaahhhhhh!" and "Uncle Jowy!" until Shu wised up and shipped her off to the enemy so she and Joei-niichan could fuck in peace.  Who's bitter?  But it's blossomed into so much more...  
  


  
THE PILIKA SAGA – CHAPTER 1   
  
                The soldiers clamored, and the little house fell in on itself.  
                The soldiers left, satisfied that all in the village were dead, and the dust began to settle over the bodies of the woman and the man.  
                There was dust on the little girl's dress as she got shakily to her feet.  She shuddered. Okaasan, otousan! They were very still on the ground, and very red, and would not answer when she called them.  She stood there in the mishmash of blood and dirt and fallen roof tiles and called for everyone she knew, for her little playmates and the   
shopkeepers and the farmers and even the tavern-keeper, whom she did not like very much.  
                She didn't know when it was when she felt Joei-niichan's comforting arms lifting her out of the rubble. The air was gray and smelled like a cookfire; she realized that the sorrowful murmurs she heard were only those of   
Joei-niichan's comrades and not her fellow villagers, and she buried herself in his chest and sobbed, because Joei-niichan wouldn't care if she acted like a big girl or not.  
                "It's all right, Pilika. Shh. It's all right."  
                Joei-niichan's best friend glanced about angrily. "Blight! Luca Blight! I'll have that bastard's head for this!"  
                Joei-niichan tightened his hold on her protectively. "Pilika doesn't need to hear you swear."  She didn't care, really.  Joei-niichan's arms were hot around her, his thumb rubbing across her thigh.  A sudden wave of discomfort took her; she shifted in Joei-niichan's arms, and lost consciousness.  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
                She woke in the middle of the night, in an unfamiliar bed in an unfamiliar room. She was very alone. An oil lamp flickered on the bedside table.  Where was Joei-niichan?                  Pilika slipped quietly out of bed and toddled over to the door. It was heavy and wooden and very slightly ajar. She pushed it open, with some effort, and stepped softly into the torchlit hall.   
                At its end was an empty cell that she shied away from; at the other end, a stair. Pilika chose the door in between, the one with the crude wooden "inn" placard nailed nearby. She stood on tiptoe and struggled with the   
latch; satisfied, she heaved resolutely at the door and was rewarded by seeing it swing open.  There was an oil lamp lit here as well, and in the dim golden glow she saw Joei-niichan, quite naked, engaged in gratuitous yaoi activity with his best friend.   
                Who was also naked. Pilika blinked.  "W-what are you doing, Joei-niichan?"  
                Joei-niichan turned his head slowly around. He looked like he'd just had his village burnt down - and then some.  
                "Is something wrong, Joei-niichan? What are you doing?"  
                "We're...loving each other, Pilika-chan," said Shujinkou, clearing his throat uncomfortably.  
                "Loving each other? Joei-niichan, I thought you loved *me*!"                                                                                                 Joei-niichan disentangled himself from a disappointed Shujinkou and gathered Pilika gingerly into his arms.  
                "I *do* love you, Pilika. Don't cry."  
                "Then why can't you love me like you do Shujinkou?"  
                Shujinkou, pondering this, leaned over to Joei-niichan and kissed his neck sensuously. "Why *can't* we, Joei?"  
                Joei was nervous. His best friend, normally so reticent and tame -- He looked at Shujinkou, long and hard, and then at her.  
                "Do you *want* me to love you like that, Pilika?"  
                Pilika stomped her little foot down. "Yes!"  
                "Shhh," cautioned Shujinkou, motioning to another bed in the corner.   
                "You'll wake Nanami." He turned to Joei-niichan, murmuring in a low voice.   
                "I was kind of joking, you know. Do you *really* think we should ... do this?"  
                Shujinkou saw a strange light playing in Joei's eyes. "It's what she wants, isn't it?" Joei-niichan focused his attentions on Pilika, rapt with admiration. "Now, Pilika," he said, fumbling with her pink shift, "I'm going to touch you in a very special place. But you mustn't tell anyone about this, remember, you mustn't tell..."  Pilika nodded, an ecstatic smile creasing the corners of her pink little mouth.  
  
FIN  
  



	2. The Pilika Strikes Back

Note the fantastically witty Star Wars knockoff title!

CHAPTER II

                First of all, Joei and Shujinkou were making out.

                That was some great lip action.  Fire and destruction were _such a turn-on!  Joei was leading; Shujinkou leaned back, making those amusing little noises that people who are being kissed are prone to make._

                Joei's agile tongue probed deeper, and Shujinkou broke the embrace.  "Dammit, Joei, why do you always do that "probe" thing when we kiss?  It reminds me of anal probing!"

                "Isn't that what yaoi is all about?"

                "Oh, right."  They resumed their romantic interlude.

                After a while they stopped again.  This time it was Joei's fault.

                "Hey, shouldn't we go get Pilika before those Fire Spears go off?"

                "Screw Pilika."

                "I did."

                "Oh, right."

                Joei grabbed Shujinkou's arm.  "Come on.  We can kiss when this fiasco's over."

                Shujinkou followed him reluctantly, muttering something delightfully obscene about Joei and his Fire Spear.  

                _It's all Pilika's fault!  That's the second time she's thwarted my romantic intentions.  I'm never gonna get any!_

                They sped off toward the mercenary fort, a small stormcloud hovering moodily over Shujinkou's tousled head.

                                *              *              *              *              *              *              *              *

                Luca Blight grunted, further exploring the depths of the tiny entity known as Pilika.  He let loose with a wild cackle.  Damn!  She was a better lay than Jillia...

                "You feel nice," chirped Pilika, nattily attired in her birthday suit.  "Even better than Joei-niichan!"

                Luca was pleased and annoyed (not to mention aroused) at the same time.  "Who gasp is this pant 'Joei'?" (Surely he couldn't be that brat from Kyaro!)  He added an extra thrust for emphasis.

                "Joei-niichan is a really nice boy who came to visit me when the soldiers made my house fall down!"

                Luca tensed, causing his lilliputian lover to squirm.  "And where ... would ... your house ... be?"

                Pilika screwed up her face uncomfortably.  "Toto Village."

                "NGGHHH!" ngghhhed Luca, breaking their tryst abruptly.  "SHIT!  I've missed one!"  He stood, gathering his trousers around him, and drew his sword on the shocked, helpless Pilika, who was frantically trying to scramble back into her dress.  "PIGS!  You're ALL going to DIE!"

                At this fateful moment, two somewhat interesting things happened.

                Pohl the servant boy, who heretofore had been busy blubbering like a jilted schoolgirl in the corner, leapt in front of Luca to bear the brunt of his aggression towards Pilika and was rewarded with a handy new orifice across his gut.

                And, coincidentally or not, Joei and Shujinkou burst onto the scene.

                They noticed Pilika standing there like the proverbial deer in the headlights, and sprang into action.

                Sort of.

                Everyone seemed to somehow freeze for a few seconds.  Perhaps they were overwhelmed by the aura of dangerous manliness that exuded from Luca's every pore.  Perhaps the authoress was pausing for a moment of dramatic intensity.  Perhaps the lazy-ass player had neglected to push the X button fast enough.

                Perhaps, in Pohl's case, they were just dead.

                Whatever the situation, Joei was the first one to shatter the reverie.  He uttered a pitiful war-cry and launched himself at Luca, star staff at the ready.

                The cache of fire spears chose that convenient moment to explode, and our heroes had barely a few seconds to enjoy the sudden conflagration before Flik and Viktor spirited them off to the adjoining forest for an exhausting run and a slightly more exhausting FMV.

                                *              *              *              *              *              *              *              *

                The calamity's aftermath found Joei, Shujinkou, Pilika and friends catching their breath at a quiet spot along the forest trail.  Flik, Viktor and the support staff of the fort were nowhere in sight.

                Shujinkou wiped soot from his forehead, exhaled sharply, and surveyed their remaining party members with a scowl.  "Man, we got stuck with Mukumuku!  This sucks!"

                "Quiet, Shujinkou.  There's something wrong with Pilika."

                "When isn't there?"

                "Shut up.  Listen to me for a moment.  She won't talk."

                "Won't talk?  Why?"  Shujinkou knelt down by Pilika.  "Pilika-chan, what's wrong?  Are you okay?  Did Luca do anything to you in there?"

                ".................." said Pilika.

                He tried again.  "Pilika-chan, it's okay to tell us what's bothering you."

                ".................." said Pilika.

                "Can you at least say your name?" he said, nearing exasperation.

                ".................." said Pilika.

                "Damn," said Joei bitterly.  "She's all 'emotionally scarred' now.  I should have known this would happen."  He sighed.  "Well, there's nothing we can do now but soldier on as best we can...It's not such a long way to Muse if we pace ourselves right."

                "That's the spirit!" piped Nanami.

                The brave young band of warriors marched on through the cloudy evening - heads held high, boots stamping the beaten ground, Joei's arm discreetly up Pilika's skirt.

                Nanami, unfortunately, noticed.  She gave Joei's shoulder a good hard slap.

                "Chikan wa hanzai da," she hissed.

                Joei obliged, and the party continued on in silence toward Muse.


	3. Return of the Pilika

The most contrived entry yet!

More perceptive readers may notice that Runemaster Hagure is in fact a blond human wench in the actual game.  Chalk this regrettable lack of hot yuri action up to my sheer forgetfulness.

                "Well so much for _that!" bitched Nanami.  "I figured with my looks and Pilika's cuteness we were set for sure!"  She turned on Shujinkou, pointing her finger savagely.  "It's all __your fault.  __You should have __done something!"  
                Shujinkou shrank under his domineering sister, thoroughly embarrassed.  Rrrgh.  He shot a sidelong glance at Joei only to find his best friend suppressing a chuckle._

                No respect!

                At this rate they'd _never fit in the gratuitous yaoi scene._

                "I want food," reflected Rikimaru.

                "Shut up," snapped Nanami.

                Joei cleared his throat.  "Listen, guys, I know we're not exactly in the best of moods at the moment...but it's getting kind of dark, and..."

                "You wanna make something of it, punk?"

                "Um, and there's this inn that we passed on the way to Muse...Do you think we could, y'know, stop there for the night?"

                "Yeah?"  Nanami squinted malevolently at the rest of the group.  "And?"  
                Shujinkou leaned over to whisper in Joei's ear.  "Let's just go.  Don't worry.  It's that time of the month - y'know."

                "Ohhh," murmured Joei sagely, and six of the seven party members set out on the road.

                "Wait!  Wait for me, dammit!" shrieked Nanami.  She ran ahead to join them, snatching Pilika from Joei's skillful hands in the nick of time.

                                *                *                *                *                *                *                *

                The White Deer Inn loomed in her view, and Pilika was relieved at last.  She hated going with Nanami, being dragged around like some ratty old doll while her caretaker chattered away.  At least Joei-niichan made her feel good...

                Everyone milled around in the sunny courtyard while Shujinkou talked to the innkeeper.  Joei spotted Pilika and scooped her up in his arms.

                "...........!" she squealed.

                He chuckled.  "Pilika!  Short time no see, little one.  No nookie from Nanami, ne?"

                Pilika made a face.  "..........."

                Joei grinned back at her.  "I'm sorry about what's happened to you, sweetie.  First Luca and now Nanami...you've had really bad luck!"  He kissed the top of her head.  "But I'm Joei, your niichan, and I won't ever leave you."

                "...........?"

                "That's right."  He ruffled the soft hair.  "Let's hope you get to talking soon.  Our little tour group just isn't the same without cheerful little chatterbox Pilika!"

                Joei's roamin' fingers were momentarily stilled by the arrival of Shujinkou on the scene.

                "Hey, guys!  We've got ourselves a room!"

                "Took you long enough!"  
                Shujinkou glared at Nanami, his self-esteem shattered.  "It's a nice clean inn, really nice people..."

                Joei smiled to himself.  _Nice *clean* inn?  Ha!  Get me in there and I'll have Pilika-chan laid in five seconds flat!_

                "...so let's get it on - I mean, let's get on in, everyone.  The bill's all taken care of.  Don't worry."

                Kinnison looked distressed.  "Where's Mukumuku?"  
                Rikimaru burped.

                "Oh, man..."  
  


                                *                *                *                *                *                *                *

                "What's your name?" inquired the innkeeper's son.  "My name's Pete!"

                ".............," said Pilika.

                "Cat gotcher tongue?"

                ".............."

                Pete peered peculiarly at Pilika.  "Don't you talk or something?"

                ".............!" said Pilika, a little peeved.  She reached for his pants.

                "Hey!  WATCH IT!" he exclaimed, batting back her curious little hands.  "Ew, girls are gross!"  Pete fled to the front desk.  "Mom!  MOMMM!  This GIRL tried to pull my pants down!  I don't wanna play anymore!!"

                "Shh, shh," soothed Hilda, stroking her son's hair.  "Pilika, I think now is a good time for a nap."

                Pilika complied, a little sulkily.  She was terribly frustrated!  Joei-niichan and his friends were off somewhere, exploring, and she was stuck here with Miss Hilda and dirty little Pete.

                Pilika grumbled into her pillow, wishing someone had thought to explore _her.  She fell easily asleep._

                                *                *                *                *                *                *                *

                She woke up.  What queer dreams she had been having!

                Pilika mulled over whether or not she ought to get out of bed.

                _But last time I did this, Joei-niichan -_

                She smiled knowingly to herself and tiptoed downstairs.

                It must have been late.  Miss Hilda had gone to bed, and there was only the dim glow of the hearth to light Pilika's way.

                She was surprised to find one occupant of the inn still awake: the kobold runemaster, seated at one of the tables in the common room.

                Pilika frowned.  He was playing marbles all by himself!  Poor old man!  She stepped softly over to the old kobold and made her cutest face.  ".......?"  
                The kobold approximated a smile.  "Hello there, little girl!"

                "..........!"

                "My, it's nice to see children about this place.  That boy Pete, he's too silly and shy for me."  He put his paws on his knees and leaned closer.  "Now I suppose you're wanting to play marbles with me, little girl?"

                "..........," nodded Pilika.

                "Well, now," he said, "these aren't exactly marbles I've got here.  No, something much grander than that, than a simple child's toy." He picked up a small red orb and held it between thumb and forefinger, rolling it thoughtfully.  "These are...special marbles.  Runes.  Watch!" With a flick of his fingers, a little jet of flame arced across the room, landing and extinguishing itself in the kobold's other hand.

                "..........!" exclaimed Pilika, alarmed at the sight of flames.  Not again...

                "What's that?" asked the runemaster, pointing his snubby nose at Pilika.  "You don't like magic tricks?"

                Pilika shook her head vehemently.

                "That's too bad, little one." He shook his head sadly and began gathering the loose rune crystals in a small pouch.

                Pilika wriggled out of her pink dress and flung it to some far corner of the room.  "......!" she said urgently, bobbing up and down.

                The kobold's glistening black eyes grew wider.  "Well!  Is this a different game you'd like to play?"

                Pilika nodded.

                "I'd say so!"  He snarl-smiled, gathering the contented Pilika into his arms, pawing her gently with well-maneuvered movements.

                Ten minutes later they had finished their unsavory business.  The kobold was, understandably, panting heavily.  "You're quite a bundle of energy there, little girl!"

                Pilika smiled sweetly at him.  What an experience that had been!  Mr. Kobold was so furry and soft and nice...She wondered to herself whether he'd been even better than Luca and Joei-niichan!

                "Well, then," said the runemaster, regaining his composure, "we can't just let you leave without me giving you a little something in return, can we?"  He pulled a luminous little peach-colored rune from his pouch.  "This is the Irokichigai Rune.  Very rare.  It was given to me by an old, old priestess..."  He winked at Pilika.  "...and it'll make things even more fun next time you do something like this."

                Pilika, who was busy putting on her dress, nodded at him from across the room and ran over to accept her gift.  "........," she said.

                "No problem at all," the kobold said amiably.  "Maybe you could come back tomorrow and play with me, hmm?"

                "........!" said a beaming Pilika.

                                *                *                *                *                *                *                *                *

                Pilika woke in the late morning, to find Miss Hilda busy bookkeeping and Mr. Kobold nowhere in sight.

                She found Pete in the front yard.

                "..........?"  
                He stuck his tongue out at her.  "I hate GIRLS!  You're gross!"

                Thus rejected, Pilika retired to the bedroom.  There was still no one to share it with her - Joei-niichan and his friends had not returned yet.  She wished they would.

                Well, maybe not Nanami.

                A little sullen-faced, she retrieved her new rune and began to examine it.

                It was a hard, perfect sphere, indeed much like a marble and the color of human flesh.  It seemed to radiate an almost tangible intensity.  A faint lambent flame roiled in its center.

                The longer Pilika held the little rune, the stranger she felt.  With a small shudder she slipped it back in her pocket.  Perhaps Joei-niichan could explain its use later, if she played with him a little...

                Having nothing else to do, Pilika went downstairs again, hoping to weasel a sweet pastry or two out of Miss Hilda.

                She was surprised to see Mr. Kobold again, seated at the same table and inspecting his mysterious collection of runes.

                "...........!"

                "Hello there, little one!  Come to play?"  He noticed the small object in Pilika's outstretched hands.  "Oh, your rune!  Silly old Hagure, I've forgotten to show you how to use it!" He plucked the small orb gently from her grasp.  "First, my friend, we have to attach it.  Now, I normally charge a fee of a few hundred potch for this useful service -"  
                Pilika was confused.  Potch?  What was this?

                _Okaasan and otousan used to give me potch when I did chores -_

                Chores!

                She tugged suggestively at her dress.  The runemaster gulped, feeling waves of passionate desire coursing through his kobold veins.

                "- but...ah, for you, I don't think that will be...ah...necessary."  He held the rune before her.  "Most runes, you know, go on your hands - left, or right.  But the Irokichigai Rune is special.  Now, do you know where _it goes?"  
                ".........?" ventured Pilika, lifting the hem of her skirt a little._

                The runemaster ran his tongue across his teeth.  "That's right!  Now how would you like to have your very first, very own rune?"

                ".........!" said Pilika with a vigorous nod.

                Mr. Kobold proceeded with the attachment and Pilika writhed on his lap, savoring his furry attentions and the tingly, exciting sensation that always felt a little like a sneeze.

                After a while she felt a horrendous jolting sensation.  Her vision flashed white, her ears rang, her mind seemed to be racing away from her.  Every sense was bombarded with sizzling shocks of energy -

                She came to in Mr. Kobold's arms, breathing heavily.  "............................" she said, very softly, burying her small face in the runemaster's neck.

                "Good job, little one!  It's a success!"  He licked her face.  "Would you like to try it out?"

                Pilika nodded once, very slowly.

                                *                *                *                *                *                *                *                *

                The amorous pair were startled by the sounds of boots and voices over by the front desk.

                "We kicked that Double Head's sorry ass!  And it's all thanks to me!"

                "Shujinkou-kun, what say we go upstairs and get ourselves some Double Head?"

                "Uggghhh, those herbs tasted like CRAP!"

                "I've spent my entire life studying the Sindar, and now this...."

                "Come on guys, let's try to keep a cool head about this -"

                Hilda put on a frazzled smile.  "I see you've found your treasure, and...Hello, Alex dear, how are -"  At this moment she happened to glance over at the revolting scene playing itself out in the common room.  "Ohhhh!"  She swooned dramatically, her sensibilities irrevocably offended, and fell promptly into a fevered delirium.

                Pilika, frightened, had the presence of mind to spring off Hagure's lap and run upstairs with her errant dress.

                The rest of the intrepid crew tweaked out completely, racing around in a futile attempt to save Hilda's useless life.

                Pilika peeked around the stairway just in time to see Joei-niichan racing out the door like a craniumless pullet.  Her little hands balled into fists.  _Nanami's been hitting on him again!  One of these days..._

                At that moment she felt a minuscule pang of guilt over Miss Hilda's unfortunate fate, and scooted her tiny ass over to the sickroom to see if she could help.

                "...............!" she expressed urgently, tugging on Shujinkou's pant leg.

                "Not now, Pilika," he said distractedly, shooing her away.  She tried again - Alex, Kinnison, Rikimaru - and received the same response.  Not even Mr. Kobold would talk to her.

                _Go away, Pilika.  You're too little, Pilika.  You're in the way._

                She went and sat by herself on the porch, the fragile streaks of sunlight dappling her hair.  _I can give people pleasure - Mr. Kobold, and Joei-niichan, and Shujinkou-san, and that scary man back at the other ... place... but they still don't like me!  She buried her face in her grubby hands and choked out sobs._

                "You can't cry forever, Pilika-chan."

                She looked up.  A familiar long-haired youth, arms crossed, was smiling down at her.

                _Joei-niichan!_

                "I didn't find a doctor, Pilika, but I think I've found someone better right here," he said with a wink and a debonair little kiss.

                "..........!!!!!"

                They made sweet love well into the afternoon, as everyone else stomped their feet in stupid fury and wondered where the hell Joei had gotten himself off to.


End file.
